Accompany You Ch 11.1

Chapter 11: To Accompany You is the Longest Confession (Part 1)

After barely managing to gulp down two frozen dumplings, Qiu Ying suddenly felt nauseous and ran to the bathroom to hold the toilet bowl and throw up for half a day. Once she straightened up, her chest felt tight and she was short of breath again, and she leaned her head back on the living room sofa, gasping for breath like a dying fish.

The chaos of life was really fatal.

This weekend, she streamed the North American Conquer competition all night long without stopping to rest, continuing to commentate every day for 12 hours. When her throat finally grew hoarse, she’d drink a little warm water, and then continue on to battle. The administrators on the streaming platform grew so scared of her actions, they repeatedly advised her to not kill herself for the sake of getting popular; very few people watched late-night acts to begin with, so it wasn’t worth it to stay up late and hurt her good looks.

Qiu Ying laughed bitterly. In fact, she couldn’t sleep; she couldn’t be left alone with her thoughts.

Ever since she accidentally heard those boys talking about her in Sun Zeyi’s internet cafe, the frequency at which Qiu Ying went there was significantly reduced. In spite of Lin Yixuan’s continuous explanations, she still had her grievances. When all was said and done, when she saw those few faces, she would remember “hated her before” and “counterfeit goods” and “spending money” and “playing around” — words like that. Once she learned the love that no one else knew of between Ji Xiangkong and Firework’s Miya, Qiu Ying’s uneasiness grew even stronger.

It started out extremely small, until “that incident” occurred.

At the time, she was sitting next to Ji Xiangkong playing ranked games as usual, when there suddenly arose an uproar around them — Youxing Livestream Platform exploded with a scandalous video. Someone had uploaded a video of the popular female streamer, Yan Yan, changing her clothes, which immediately spread all across the internet. In the video, you could see that she’d already stopped streaming at the time and closed her camera, but she didn’t realize at all that the camera was still rolling. After the incident occurred, the management agency suspected that someone had tampered with her streaming software; they’d already called the police.

Every major online news portal grabbed at the chance to put in their own two cents on this piece of news and stir up public opinion to a place that was contrary to the facts — “Yet another incident occurs on a livestream platform! A female streamer purposely doesn’t turn off the camera while changing clothes in order to get attention.” Other than a small number of people sympathizing with the victim, most of the comments left were all gloating over her misfortune.

Qiu Ying checked online after the video had been deleted. There were still a good number of people commenting in the replies section with “Yep I know just by looking Yan Yan’s only a C, sure enough the boobs of female streamers like her are usually padded” and “My mailing address is XXXX please send a video” and “This internet veteran kneels to beg for any natural resources out there”…

The two boys across from them were loudly discussing, “This girl is one of Youxing’s ‘Four Green Tea B*tches’ and doesn’t play games either, she doesn’t do anything ‘cept sell her body. Who knows whether she set up the whole thing or not? Now she’s coming out and pretending to be sad, saying that she became a gaming streamer to grow her popularity and she wants to become an entertainment artist in the future…”

“My God, how is such a low person trying to get into showbiz?!”

They obviously weren’t talking about her, but for some reason, Qiu Ying felt her back prickle, especially when she heard “Youxing’s Four Green Tea B*tches.” Lin Yixuan looked at those boys meaningfully and alertly, nearly crawling over there to cover their mouths.

Qiu Ying let out a breath, barely audible.

Just like esports, streaming on a livestreaming platform was also a pyramid-like profession that went unaccepted by the public, where only a few people in the entire country could attain a life worth thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of millions. In the past, Qiu Ying had joined a group that consisted of countless unknown female streamers, some of whose fans were no more than in the hundreds range, and very few of whose incomes were stable.

Yan Yan was popular on the streaming platform in spite of the fact that her reputation wasn’t very good. But, nevertheless, she had set herself apart from the vast crowd of people. Beauty was her weapon, but when it came to livestreaming she wasn’t limited to only selling her appearance either. She once joked to Qiu Ying that she would climb up one step at a time; after she got popular online, maybe a director would ask her to act for them.

Probably because they had similar pasts, they were always blackened together on the internet. Knowing the hard work she put in behind everyone’s backs, in the hopes of others not casting rocks at her while she was down from her misfortunes, Qiu Ying lowered her gaze, bit her lip, and said to the people on the other side, “I know her. She’s not the type of person who would spread her private videos around to get some attention. It should be a targeted attack.”

She paused, then continued, “Showbiz is the same, a mishmash of good and bad people. There are hidden shady motives behind the scenes, and you can’t get anywhere without high-up connections.”

“Female stars and this kind of female streamer is different.” The boy on the other side grew significantly louder after being rebutted. “Just like how Ji Xiangkong likes Firework, who works hard! A counterattack story is more inspirational!”

When he finished speaking, he looked to Ji Xiangkong as if seeking approval, requesting support.

Qiu Ying couldn’t help but think, What? In the end, didn’t Fu Miya still rely on gossip to stabilize her popularity? She threw away her past love so cleanly… When she grew aware of her own stray thoughts, Qiu Ying’s heart tightened. Was there any difference between she who thought like this and those on the internet who casually believed the baseless rumors and blatantly false ideas?

She was reflecting upon her own self when she suddenly heard Ji Xiangkong ever-so-slowly say, “Yeah, idols and stars should be diligent and hardworking, and lead by example so that they can give people hope. They shouldn’t be the type of person who just relies on their outward appearance to deliberately please the audience.”

These words seemed to stab at Qiu Ying’s sore spot. She opened and closed her mouth, sourness flooded into her nose, the corners of her lips tightened and then loosened again. She couldn’t say a single word, for a long time.

When they first met, didn’t she deliberately try to please him? At that time, he had probably hated her very much.

Qiu Ying didn’t dare think further. Very few people knew that beneath her bright and beautiful appearance hid a small heart of cowardice and self-hatred.

Ji Xiangkong added, “And can you not just use Firework as a comparison all the time? There are stars within China who are the same.”

Though there was still a smile on his face, Qiu Ying could tell that he was not happy.

The night she learned of his bitter first love, Qiu Ying finally understood why he treated that Firework out-of-print collector’s album like a treasure and put it in his crossbody bag — and she had previously thought that it was proof that he was cradling her heart within his hands. Her chest seemed to be hollowed out so that cold wind unceasingly blew in, and all of her curly insides began to hurt.

Afterward, Ji Xiangkong shut his mouth about this matter. He didn’t say anything, nor did Qiu Ying ask.

Maybe Lin Yixuan’s and their guesses were right. Ji Xiangkong really, truly liked Fu Miya; he liked her even until now. His emotional state was always a mystery because he kept only one person in his heart, the one he was waiting for.

That day, Qiu Ying searched for an excuse to leave. Sun Zeyi stopped her just before she left. The nearly-1.9-meters-tall Sun god, wearing a household apron, gave her two bags. They were his handmade beef pancakes for her to eat at school, three different types in total, which could be mixed with some unique sauces. They were packed in multicolored containers and he repeatedly reminded her not to confuse them.

Qiu Ying thanked him again and again. When she looked at his gentle and friendly eyes, a warm feeling surged within her heart. Most of her previous sadness and grievances vanished. After Sun Zeyi went back into the inner hall, she couldn’t help but sigh to Ji Xiangkong, who was next to her, “Sun ge’s really a master of all! He knows how to do everything!”

Ji Xiangkong was peeling a tangerine. Acting natural, he put the freshly-peeled tangerine flesh next to her mouth and said, completely straight-faced, “Of course. Sun ge also does embroidery in order to train his patience for competitions.”

“Really?!” Both of Qiu Ying’s hands were full, and fascinated by his words, without thinking she opened her mouth and ate the tangerine flesh from his hands, and said, muffled, “Can he teach me? I’ve always wanted to learn!”

When he saw the girl’s eyes sparkle with stars, Ji Xiangkong tried to stifle a laugh but failed. He lightly tapped his finger on her lips. “I’m teasing you.”

Qiu Ying angrily glared at him and moved as if to bite him, though Ji Xiangkong easily dodged and asked, “Are you coming tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow I have class.”

“True, you’re still a student.”

Qiu Ying curled her lip. “You say it like you’re so old.”

Ji Xiangkong smiled with his eyes curved. “That’s right, I’m older than you, so call me Xiangkong gege.”

At some point, the bags in her hands had already been taken up by his left hand. Qiu Ying watched his right hand absently flip the car keys as he told her he would send her back. She hurriedly said, “I can just take the subway. Your car’s too flashy, my classmates are all going to wonder if I’m being raised by a sugar daddy.”

The smile in Ji Xiangkong’s eyes deepened even further; he cocked his head with a completely unserious expression. “Actually, this sugar daddy really wants to raise such a pretty young lady like you.”

Qiu Ying’s heart tightened. She knew that he was joking around again, but her cheeks still, unwillingly, flushed. Very quickly, sour grievances flooded up within her all at once. The more he treated her so gently and intimately, the more complicated she felt.

She really wanted to say, “If you don’t like me, then don’t be so good to me.” But she didn’t want him to truly alienate her.

Qiu Ying hated this version of herself who obsessed over every gain and loss she experienced, who was cowardly and hypocritical. But what could she do? If she said it out loud, then she would have nothing left at all.

After a few days, she had not returned to Sun Zeyi’s internet cafe again. Ji Xiangkong sent her a WeChat asking after her, to which she said that she had classes. It just so happened the North American Competition was occurring now, so she vented out her depression through working, commentating through day and night. In other words, a model industry worker. Her voice was sweet and her words witty and humorous, which the audience quite liked. Gradually, she took the lead in Tanuki’s Conquer niche’s top rankings.

Qiu Ying lay down on her bed one afternoon, finally awakened by the protesting call of her own stomach. 

After she hastily ate a bit, she started streaming as usual during prime time. Not long after going online, the chat barraged suddenly exploded with a full screen of “Already here” and “Front row of the battle”, seeming just like a thousand troops and ten thousand horses rolling in.

She hadn’t yet recovered when the prompt box that popped up from the Conquer game made her jump.

After she looked at the private message that Qiao Xin sent her, combined with the chat barrage, Qiu Ying understood that Qiao Xin had been previously provoking her on her stream, spreading the idea that a female commentator without any Conquer operating skills had no legitimacy in the slightest. She invited Qiu Ying to play a round of 1v1 singles solo mid. Qiao Xin’s management agency seemed to have hired a water navy to hint to the audience on the chat barrage that Qiu Ying had used a dishonest way of getting a commentator’s seat at the Fall Competition, and during the competition she dominated the conversation so that Qiao Xin didn’t have many opportunities to speak, which caused a mighty uproar.

No matter what field it was in, the thing people hated the most was shady business, but a real guns-and-ammo contest was a result that everyone loved to see and hear. Qiu Ying was caught between a rock and a hard place in front of millions of viewers. Considering that during this period of time, her level had considerably improved under Ji Xiangkong’s guidance and she was already no longer the flower vase she was before, she bit her lower lip and after long hesitation, decided to meet the challenge.

Solo mid, 1vs1 singles — this was usually called the “father-son game”, because if you lost you had to call the other person “daddy”. It was the simplest and roughest way of resolving disputes when it came to any sort of dissatisfactions.

The following events were like a nightmare. This game made Qiu Ying understand what it meant for the opponent to beat you into a mental breakdown. Qiao Xin casually pushed her tower and killed her hero, over and over again, the overwhelming operating ridiculing her amongst applause. The soldiers’ lines were firmly commanded by Qiao Xin so that Qiu Ying had no way to kill-hit them. Her equipment was lagging behind; the more she died the worse off she was. She had no way to get the strength to fight back. Round after round of death timers, round after round of running back to mid tower from the resurrection point, like she was a dog that had been harnessed with a collar running back. The moment she saw an uncertain hope, she was ruthlessly kicked back down to the ground once again.

Qiao Xin finally grew bored after becoming a super killing god. As if in charity, she destroyed Qiu Ying’s defense tower with a few arrows and ended the game.

Qiu Ying bit her lip, hard. Her back was drenched with cold sweat. The hand holding the mouse wouldn’t stop shaking.

It was a completely crushing defeat of extreme abuse and humiliation.

Every time she died, it triggered a flood of jeering from the chat barrage.

“This is getting fxxxing slapped in the face!”

“Since you want to be a commentator you should practice your operating, how do you dare commentate a professional competition if your playing is so rotten?!”

“Everyone who says she’s good at commentating is busy staring at her boobs, they don’t pay attention to what she’s saying!”

Of these people, there were many who came from Qiao Xin’s livestream room, and there were also those who had run over from somewhere else to gloat over her misfortunes, and now they were united as one in righteous indignation to attack Qiu Ying and vent their hearts full of “justice”. 

“Wh*re”, “commentator’s chair that rolled right out of the sheets” … the verbal abuse was extremely unsightly.

And Qiao Xin chose this moment to speak. She appealed for everyone to understand the difficulties of being a female game streamer: “Games like Conquer that test how well you can operate and think of tactics are really hard even if you want to play well. After all, Qiu Ying’s a girl who doesn’t have any foundation. Don’t be too harsh on her, everyone.”

She stopped for a second, her voice mild, “Qiu Ying, I was too angry this time because of the shady business, so I was impulsive for a bit and asked to stream a solo mid and made you embarrassed, so sorry, really.”

As soon as she said these words, the chat barrage roiled up like a wild infection in praising Qiao Xin, praising her perfect mastery of the game as well as her kind heart. And Qiu Ying’s abuse became even more unbridled.

At this time Qiu Ying was physically exhausted, extremely fatigued. Her mood had already been in a low valley to begin with. Seeing the screen full of malice laid bare that devalued her sacrifices, her efforts, as completely worthless — a fire ignited in her chest that burned her whole body until it boiled.

With what reason did you people say she was faking her looks? Had you seen her commentate on competitions? Was there anything wrong with her analysis?

Why did you have to keep on bringing up a person’s stains and beating up her to the point she could never, ever, become free? Why was it that you obviously didn’t know anything, but you wanted to use the absolute filthiest words to describe a person you would normally never interact with?

Her chest heaved up and down. Qiu Ying clenched both hands into fists, her fingertips pressed so tight her palm nearly bled. The camera was not yet turned off; she couldn’t cry and look ugly. It wasn’t like she had only started being suppressed now, either. She had long since decided that she wouldn’t let them do as they wished!

Qiu Ying sorted out her emotions and finished out tonight’s program while withstanding the rain of bullets from the chat barrage. After she ended the stream, she finally picked up the phone call from Lu Yiyi, who immediately shouted from the other end, “You shouldn’t have accepted the challenge! After the CPL Fall Finals, the audience obviously acknowledged you more than they did Qiao Xin, so she deliberately did this to suppress you! She must’ve come to it prepared! Oh, why are you so naive?”

Qiu Ying hung her head. “She really is a lot stronger than I am. The only thing I can do is keep on working hard.”

Lu Yiyi said in anger, “Commentating isn’t about whether you can play well! Qiao Xin’s distracting their attention!”

Qiu Ying nearly wanted to bit her lip clean off. She had been set up. It was likely that the next days wouldn’t be easy, either. She was struggling in both love and work, and her whole head was dizzy.

As soon as her call with Lu Yiyi ended, Ji Xiangkong’s caller ID appeared on the screen. Qiu Ying’s heart rate accelerated. Lord, he couldn’t have been watching that humiliating, embarrassing, solo game just now, right?!

He spent so much effort toward instructing her in operating, taking her up the ranks, but she disappointed him, she didn’t make progress, she had been bullied by Qiao Xin like that in front of everyone…

Qiu Ying curled up into a ball on her sofa. The phone by her side rang for a long time, as if the other side had no intention of hanging up. Finally, she couldn’t help but pick up the call.

“Who were you talking to just now? Spending such a long time on the phone.”

Qiu Ying’s throat was dry as she heard his voice. Suddenly, tears fell from her eyes.

“Don’t be sad. It was my fault you lost, I didn’t teach you well enough.” There was a sort of magic to Ji Xiangkong’s voice, low and warm, that had a great concentrated indulgence. “You’re already very good, honestly.”

His words were like a feather, lightly caressing her heart, slowly calming her unceasingly fluctuating mood. Qiu Ying knew that she was thoroughly finished. When he treated her just slightly well, she carefully hid it away as if it were the only sweet candy she had in her bitter life.

Ji Xiangkong was concerned about what happened to her and insisted on taking her out for a drive. After they returned, he called her again.

“Have you been busy recently?”

Qiu Ying lowered her eyes and said guiltily, “It’s all been classes…”

Ji Xiangkong said, as if to himself, “Tomorrow’s the last day of the break, and I have to go back to the club.”

Qiu Ying punched herself on the thigh — you were unreasonable, you hid from him, and now there’re no more chances to see him. She breathed in and said reluctantly, “Work hard for the new season.”

“You too, work hard.”

When they bade goodnight to each other and prepared to hang up the phone, Ji Xiangkong suddenly whispered, “It would be so nice if the new season started a little later.”

Her heart immediately slowed a half beat. Qiu Ying grasped the hem of her clothes, listening to the dial tone sound for a very, very long time, and yet she did not recover.

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This was hard for me to translate because it’s dedicated to Qiu Ying suffering… at least we have Lu Yiyi and Ji Xiangkong